i know it is not a unique sentiment; nor does it occur in my mind in some preternatural, almost überman kind of fashion; but still, but still, i long to check out of life, if not the world, but don’t go calling me suicidal or immature, for i am neither. i am not going anywhere, and i am most certainly not the type to shirk his responsibilities; but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to. the sad truth is that often it is not the difficult, hard things in life that leave me feeling this way, nor is it even my Depression in general. sure, it gets weighty at times, but it is not what leaves me longing to just be done. no, it’s always a little thing. the car not starting right away, a co-worker wearing a pungent perfume, traffic lights taking too long to change colors, the shirt i wanted to wear being dirty. without fail, when these moments arise, i simply suck it up and press on; but i don’t like it. in fact, all that does is make it feel even more like i’m standing in line at a supermarket, waiting to check out, but the lady in front of me buys grocery like my mom did. my mom would get groceries once a season, piling up 5 or 6 carts, and with at least one- if not three- coupons for each item. well that’s who i’m behind is that guy, only they didn’t have the courtesy to have them shut down the lane before i got in line, and all the other lanes are closed too. so i’m waiting; it’s check out time, but instead of checking out, or throwing a fit because things aren’t going my way, i just hang my head, hum a tune, and wait; eventually we all get to the front of the line; eventually we all get to know the privilege of checking out. right around this time s when i usually offer some platitude, some Bible verse to encourage and lift up the reader. truth be told, this time, i got nothing. at least, nothing useful anyways. 1 Kings 19 tells the story of how Elijah checked out. he had fled from famine, been fed personally by ravens every morning, kept a widow and her son alive through faith and the power of God alone, brought the boy back from the day, took on all of the false prophets in a showdown on a hill, called down fire from Heaven, slaughtered a bunch of bad guys with his own hands, made it rain by the power of the Word of the LORD, ran faster than a carriage drawn by a team of horses, and still, because one lady said some mean words, he was like “that’s it, i’m outta here!” and when confronted personally and directed by God Himself, he didn’t really change his tune, but kept with it, insisting that he was done, it was time to check out. so God sent him on a few errands, then sent His driver who picked him up and took him off to Heaven. Elijah was ready to check out. i know, not very encouraging; i told you i had nothing. at least this story lets me know that while God is not ok with it, He is definitely understanding of the fact that sometimes we get fed up and are ready to just head home. we don’t lose faith, and we don’t even exactly lose hope; yes, it’s a small thing compared to all that God has already done for, through, and in us; but still, we just want to check out. not give up; as long as He sends us, we will keep going to work. we just ask our Loving Taskmaster to let us call it quits for the day and clock out. well, the lady on front of me just got through her first cart of groceries, only 5 more to go. guess i better get comfy and see what’s on the magazine racks.
am i a David, or am i a Joseph? will i miss out on my passion as a consequence of my sin, or am i being refined and prepared for those things which fulfill the dreams and visions God has given me?
no matter how much i try, no matter how careful i am, no matte how cautious and observant i aim to be, i am incapable of expressing my emotions towards someone without causing them undue, unwarranted and unfair pain. i’ll just stop here, no point in writing anymore. all i’ll do is cause more pain, so instead, i’m going to just keep my mouth shut.
some people just weren’t cut out for living; that’s my honest opinion of the matter. some of us spend our entire lives feeling stifled in being confined to skin and bones. it’s not that i’m above being human, nor that i’m any better than anyone else; i just was not cut out for all this breathing and whatnot. i won’t be at peace until i’m dead, i won’t be at home until i’m in the grave; i won’t feel comfortable in my own skin until i’m no longer in it. some people just weren’t cut out for living; that’s why i’m always looking forward to when i die.
a seed; that’s all it takes. a doubt here, or a disappointment there; a little bit of a bump in the road and next thing you know all that hard work you put into bettering your world lies in ashes. i don’t want to be anxious; i don’t want to be depressed; i don’t enjoy feeling like i’m dead, dying or will be dead soon.
it’s interesting just how much i enjoy talking with G Momma; i don’t think we’ve had a bad conversation since my graduation at PV. wow! just today, though, she really set me up for failure; not on purpose, of course, but she did. she asked if i was happy about getting married, to which i responded of course. of course, i am; i don’t just say that to say it, it’s true. i sincerely meant it when i said that getting married was, most likely, the best decision i’d ever made. wait for it, here comes the set up: she went on to say that was good and that it was good we did things together; my response was yes, we do and yes, it is good. she ellaborated the point a little more before the subject chabged, but the damage was done. when i got off the phone i quickly sent a text to Laura regarding some stuff and telling her she could go out with her brother tonight if she wanted. having previously said she only kinda wanted to but was tired, i honestly did not expect her to decide to go. stupid me. now i’m the bad guy because i “always ruin her going out and having fun by making (her) suffer the next day.” i’m sorry. when people hurt me, i respond. it hurts how ready, willing and able she always is to go out without me. i have a tough time thinking of when i’m invited out and don’t, in some way, try to either insist she comes with me or insist that i stay home. sh loves to try and compare it to me with my sister, but it’s nowhere near the same. my sister and i are incredibly close. my sister and i don’t even come close to seeing each other on a regular basis. my sister and i don’t “go out” without our spouses. but it doesn’t matter. i told God i’d be better so that He can let me move on; so i don’t have a choice. if she wants to see him more than she wants to have a nice evening with me, then those are the facts of my marriage. it’s up to me to find a way to move on with my life. my romantic dreams will never be realized. really, the only chance i ever stood at having a romantic relationship was during our engagement, when i was generally 2,000 plus miles away.they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder; i say that closeness makes the heart grow calloused.
sometimes i wonder which brings me more misery: my intelligence, my imagination, my hopes/desires, or my depression. i know one thing, i would be far less miserable if i could just fnd a way to reoncile me with reality; but I can’t. instead, i’m sitting here, miserable, because who i am is so at odds with the world i live in.