am i a David, or am i a Joseph? will i miss out on my passion as a consequence of my sin, or am i being refined and prepared for those things which fulfill the dreams and visions God has given me?
no matter how much i try, no matter how careful i am, no matte how cautious and observant i aim to be, i am incapable of expressing my emotions towards someone without causing them undue, unwarranted and unfair pain. i’ll just stop here, no point in writing anymore. all i’ll do is cause more pain, so instead, i’m going to just keep my mouth shut.
some people just weren’t cut out for living; that’s my honest opinion of the matter. some of us spend our entire lives feeling stifled in being confined to skin and bones. it’s not that i’m above being human, nor that i’m any better than anyone else; i just was not cut out for all this breathing and whatnot. i won’t be at peace until i’m dead, i won’t be at home until i’m in the grave; i won’t feel comfortable in my own skin until i’m no longer in it. some people just weren’t cut out for living; that’s why i’m always looking forward to when i die.
a seed; that’s all it takes. a doubt here, or a disappointment there; a little bit of a bump in the road and next thing you know all that hard work you put into bettering your world lies in ashes. i don’t want to be anxious; i don’t want to be depressed; i don’t enjoy feeling like i’m dead, dying or will be dead soon.
it’s interesting just how much i enjoy talking with G Momma; i don’t think we’ve had a bad conversation since my graduation at PV. wow! just today, though, she really set me up for failure; not on purpose, of course, but she did. she asked if i was happy about getting married, to which i responded of course. of course, i am; i don’t just say that to say it, it’s true. i sincerely meant it when i said that getting married was, most likely, the best decision i’d ever made. wait for it, here comes the set up: she went on to say that was good and that it was good we did things together; my response was yes, we do and yes, it is good. she ellaborated the point a little more before the subject chabged, but the damage was done. when i got off the phone i quickly sent a text to Laura regarding some stuff and telling her she could go out with her brother tonight if she wanted. having previously said she only kinda wanted to but was tired, i honestly did not expect her to decide to go. stupid me. now i’m the bad guy because i “always ruin her going out and having fun by making (her) suffer the next day.” i’m sorry. when people hurt me, i respond. it hurts how ready, willing and able she always is to go out without me. i have a tough time thinking of when i’m invited out and don’t, in some way, try to either insist she comes with me or insist that i stay home. sh loves to try and compare it to me with my sister, but it’s nowhere near the same. my sister and i are incredibly close. my sister and i don’t even come close to seeing each other on a regular basis. my sister and i don’t “go out” without our spouses. but it doesn’t matter. i told God i’d be better so that He can let me move on; so i don’t have a choice. if she wants to see him more than she wants to have a nice evening with me, then those are the facts of my marriage. it’s up to me to find a way to move on with my life. my romantic dreams will never be realized. really, the only chance i ever stood at having a romantic relationship was during our engagement, when i was generally 2,000 plus miles away.they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder; i say that closeness makes the heart grow calloused.
sometimes i wonder which brings me more misery: my intelligence, my imagination, my hopes/desires, or my depression. i know one thing, i would be far less miserable if i could just fnd a way to reoncile me with reality; but I can’t. instead, i’m sitting here, miserable, because who i am is so at odds with the world i live in.
how numb is too numb? things happen; life happens. it saddens you or makes you feel alone. i just watched the first episode of the third season of “Perfect Stranger’s”(i love Balki!) and after missing the hockey game they were supposed to go to Larry asked Balki if he was angry. he said no, just lonely. lonely and sad. lonely and sad and disappointed. lonely and sad and disappointed and maybe just a little angry. that’s what numb feels like to me; so many emotions circling the commode of my brain that it gets to a point where you just can’t feel anymore. like 1.5 beers on an empty stomach or a shot of whiskey starting to take effect. how sober is too sober? that’s easy; if i’m sober enough to realize how i really feel than that’s too sober for me. if only i wasn’t stuck watching the kids today maybe i could do as Modest Mouse said in their song “Polar Opposites”: i’m tryin, i’m tryin to drink away the part of the day that i cannot sleep away.