March 2012
1 post
5 tags
am i a David, or am i a Joseph? will i miss out on my passion as a consequence of my sin, or am i being refined and prepared for those things which fulfill the dreams and visions God has given me?
February 2012
2 posts
5 tags
“strange, but it feels like the happier i am when i get home, the more...”
– me last week one time. life still has it’s ups and downs, but thank God that no matter where i am He is there with me, sustaining me, encouraging me, lifting me up to where He made me to be: content.
5 tags
“strange, but it feels like the happier i am when i get home, the more...”
– me last week one time. life still has it’s ups and downs, but thank God that no matter where i am He is there with me, sustaining me, encouraging me, lifting me up to where He made me to be: content.
September 2011
1 post
6 tags
keep your mouth shut
no matter how much i try, no matter how careful i am, no matte how cautious and observant i aim to be, i am incapable of expressing my emotions towards someone without causing them undue, unwarranted and unfair pain. i’ll just stop here, no point in writing anymore. all i’ll do is cause more pain, so instead, i’m going to just keep my mouth shut.
August 2011
3 posts
3 tags
life as i know it
some people just weren’t cut out for living; that’s my honest opinion of the matter. some of us spend our entire lives feeling stifled in being confined to skin and bones. it’s not that i’m above being human, nor that i’m any better than anyone else; i just was not cut out for all this breathing and whatnot. i won’t be at peace until i’m dead, i...
5 tags
a seed; that’s all it takes. a doubt here, or a disappointment there; a little bit of a bump in the road and next thing you know all that hard work you put into bettering your world lies in ashes. i don’t want to be anxious; i don’t want to be depressed; i don’t enjoy feeling like i’m dead, dying or will be dead soon.
3 tags
notes from uncle sonny's bank book
it’s interesting just how much i enjoy talking with G Momma; i don’t think we’ve had a bad conversation since my graduation at PV. wow! just today, though, she really set me up for failure; not on purpose, of course, but she did. she asked if i was happy about getting married, to which i responded of course. of course, i am; i don’t just say that to say it, it’s true....
July 2011
1 post
4 tags
I wonder
sometimes i wonder which brings me more misery: my intelligence, my imagination, my hopes/desires, or my depression. i know one thing, i would be far less miserable if i could just fnd a way to reoncile me with reality; but I can’t. instead, i’m sitting here, miserable, because who i am is so at odds with the world i live in.
June 2011
1 post
5 tags
May 2011
2 posts
13 tags
that's a good question
how numb is too numb? things happen; life happens. it saddens you or makes you feel alone. i just watched the first episode of the third season of “Perfect Stranger’s”(i love Balki!) and after missing the hockey game they were supposed to go to Larry asked Balki if he was angry. he said no, just lonely. lonely and sad. lonely and sad and disappointed. lonely and sad and...
4 tags
not surprised
maybe i’m not supposed to plan, maybe i’m not supposed to expect anything to ever go as expected. another weekend practically wasted in loneliness. another segment of my life spent precisely in the one emotional state i fear and loathe most: loneliness. lonely is when i think of separating from life. lonely is when i start to drift away from reality into my abyss. lonely is where that...
March 2011
3 posts
7 tags
3 tags
a choice
lately my wife and i have felt lost and confused. why does God seem to not care about us? why does He allow things to happen the way they do? why is it too much for us to want to be something other than struggling?
i was telling Laura last night that it feels like God is giving me a choice: i get one thing on this planet that i love; and if that’s the case then i choose my family. but i...
i have no rights
here’s where i sit. i have to keep working. i have to pretend that my heart being broken is forgiveable. i have to go and act like i actually believe that i stand a chance at being what i spent my whole life working toward. i gave up martial arts for acting not just cause i liked acting but because having a more diverse background would be more competitive for college. i took AP classes to...
February 2011
5 posts
7 tags
mini legal pad #1
* how will i ever make it through to the end of today? i open my eyes and things almost make sense. i pick out my clothes and i feel like maybe, just maybe, he won’t be around today; i sit on the toilet and proceed with my morning crap, and then he starts to whisper “did you hear her say such and such last night? can you believe …” next thing i know, i’m writing...
6 tags
i almost cried.
today i had to get my uncle to sign a DNR; i almost cried. sometimes i get scared and think that i’m actually not doing a good job giving him what he wants but tricking everyone into doing what i want. i mean, i wanted hime to sign the DNR. i wanted him to turn down the thoracocentesis. i wanted him to get the hospital bed. if i keep getting him to agree with me, how can i know i’m not...
15 tags
bold as love
Jimi Hendrix, for some reason, is the first thing i want when confronted with death in my life. i don’t know why, don’t know how; i just know it started with my grandmother, Franny. when Franny die i was in Texas living in a living room (no joke). i was so torn by her death and disappointed with myself for not seeing her the last time i was in town, or being there for my father as his...
next phase
while there are many more entries left in the original collection titled “the castration chronicles”, the work has taken a turn. while still being of the same vein as the original series i have found myself writing in two other logs about my thoughts of mental/spiritual/social castration. that, combined with revelations shared in the fuzzie squirrel, have led me to change the...
January 2011
4 posts
entry #6
when Daniel was taken into captivity, he prayed for freedom but God never sent him back to Jerusalem. when the king of Babylon said he would be a slave to the court he prayed for release but was never granted a life free from bondage. when Nebuchanezzer had Daniel and his friends’ balls cut off, Daniel cried out for mercy; yet he still died a eunuch. but Daniel was a great prophet of God....
entry #5
i firmly believe that the hallmark of a “real man” is shown in his willingness to do/be whatever he must to live up to his responsibilities. this is a conundrum, though, as the natural instinct within a man is to do only that which he wants and how he wants. being a romantic, i’d always believed that i would want to do/be what my wife and kids needed, nullifying this paradox in...
i'm the villain
a torrent of negativity swells within
how dare i not be the center of attention
how dare i not be the pinnacle of achievement
how dare he go to the places i dreamed of
see the places i long for
live the life that i would have lived
if only
if only i hadn’t been the responsible one
if only i hadn’t falllen in love
if only i hadn’t been blessed with a family of my own
...
why i slept the day away
pain within-
pain from within
that is why i slept the day away
to escape myself
to escape what i am
a man who feels all the wrong feelings
a man who wastes all the right opportunities
a man who pouts like a child when life asks him to be what he is-
a man
and in my escape, in my dreams, i was still haunted
i dreamed i was abducted
kept captive with some others
held by an abusive...
December 2010
3 posts
ups and downs
i had two good days in a row to start my vacation, and like the ignorant, romantic fool i am, i assumed all would go well. but between another imperfect end to an otherwise good evening and awaking to find my previously amicable home turned into sick ward and hall for the hungover, i’ve come to see the true direction this vacation will take, the same direction all too many take: days filled...
good ol', disappointing me
so i’m up to my old tricks. i’m currently battling a demon that i can feel in the back of the left side of my throat trying to make me sick right before i finally get a chance to rest and just be. so i naturally start to pull out the guns: herbs and tea, ginger and sleep. in the midst of my nap my mom calls to say she thinks she has cancer, but it doesn’t really settle in my...
i forfeit
i have come to realize the futility of my dreams. but not just that, i’ve come to realize the utter lunacy of most everything i ever thought about hard work, success and a respectable career. i quite literally sacrificed my best, most energetic, flexible, artistically expansive… truly what will be the greatest years of my productive potential pursuing an education and degree; both of...
November 2010
2 posts
out of order: "this is my existential nightmare"
i talked with Clay for hours yesterday. usually talking with him takes me from bad to good, but not this time; this time our roles have been reversed and he tool me from bad to contemplative. it’s funny how when he was at home and i was in Mexico our roles were so completely reversed; it makes me wonder if Guadalajara is some kind of promised land for us. or maybe i just made a serious...
entry #4
as a child i grew up in a “very christian” household. by this i mean we went to church every sunday, bible study at least once a week at church, read the bible as a family almost daily, listened almost exclusively to christian radio stations. now, before you go thinking of this as a travesty and an affront to the well being of individualism, i’ve never really rebelled against...
October 2010
9 posts
“we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
– Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
“a crust of bread and a corner to sleep in,
a minute to smile and an hour to...”
– Paul Laurence Dunbar
entry #3
honor, desire aspirations, pride in a job well done. these are things i’ve always relied on to get me through a situation, and these are all the things i no longer possess. i still turn to God with my fear and desperation, hoping/knowing He’ll help me out; but for the first time (i feel) all i can do is wait and watch for Him to “fix it.” everyone tells me to just stay...
“the central quality in the Negro life is pain- pain so old and so deep that it...”
– Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in his essay “the Dilemma of Negro Americans”
scrap paper blues
it’s kinda funny how i can spend my whole life being seen as “the smartest guy i know”, as others so kindly put it, and still fail so royally at the one thing i’ve ever truly sought to do with my brain. i won’t give up ‘cause i can’t; but man if it doesn’t feel like the last 5 years the world’s been trying to stop me from practicing medicine.
entry #2
back when the strongest part of my personality was my depression, i recall a pervasive cloud that hovered over my soul. this cloud tarnished everything in my life, tempering even the best of experiences with some sadness. if i had to describe how it’s shadow felt (for a hovering cloud is felt in its shadow), i would say it felt like i was dying. now, i don’t mean to say i was filled...
a rant
as a father it breaks my heart to see my son suffer from injustice. though only 3, he can intuitively tell you how most machines work just by watching them. without ininstruction he explains how and why it rains and what happens to the water after it falls. his vocabulary exceeds that of most second graders. he cares for his baby sister and loves to help around the house. yet he faces academic...
entry #1
maybe i’ve been lying to myself the last 12 years or so. maybe i should’ve just went to school to be an engineer or actuarial. maybe i should’ve just stuck to theater. maybe i should’ve just got a regular minimum wage job straight out of high school and worked my way up the ladder. i’m not saying i regret what i’ve done (so to speak). Texas, though the setting...
4 tags
the beginning
this is a section for some writings i started at the beginning of this year. the title says it all; this is me writing when i am at my most depressed, self-pitying state. focusing on the negative feelings about my life, where i am and the things i have to do to be a good husband and father, i feel the title is quite fitting. in essence it takes giving up one’s “manhood” to become a real man....
