The Castration Chronicles

am i a David, or am i a Joseph? will i miss out on my passion as a consequence of my sin, or am i...

thefuzziesquirrel — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 10:00:06 -0800

am i a David, or am i a Joseph? will i miss out on my passion as a consequence of my sin, or am i being refined and prepared for those things which fulfill the dreams and visions God has given me?

"strange, but it feels like the happier i am when i get home, the more disappointed i am when i walk..."

thefuzziesquirrel — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 12:03:05 -0800

“strange, but it feels like the happier i am when i get home, the more disappointed i am when i walk through the door.”

- me last week one time. life still has it’s ups and downs, but thank God that no matter where i am He is there with me, sustaining me, encouraging me, lifting me up to where He made me to be: content.

"strange, but it feels like the happier i am when i get home, the more disappointed i am when i walk..."

thefuzziesquirrel — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 05:18:11 -0800

keep your mouth shut

thefuzziesquirrel — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 23:50:06 -0700

no matter how much i try, no matter how careful i am, no matte how cautious and observant i aim to be, i am incapable of expressing my emotions towards someone without causing them undue, unwarranted and unfair pain. i’ll just stop here, no point in writing anymore. all i’ll do is cause more pain, so instead, i’m going to just keep my mouth shut.

life as i know it

thefuzziesquirrel — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 13:13:53 -0700

some people just weren’t cut out for living; that’s my honest opinion of the matter. some of us spend our entire lives feeling stifled in being confined to skin and bones. it’s not that i’m above being human, nor that i’m any better than anyone else; i just was not cut out for all this breathing and whatnot. i won’t be at peace until i’m dead, i won’t be at home until i’m in the grave; i won’t feel comfortable in my own skin until i’m no longer in it. some people just weren’t cut out for living; that’s why i’m always looking forward to when i die.

a seed; that’s all it takes. a doubt here, or a disappointment there; a little bit of a bump...

thefuzziesquirrel — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 10:00:05 -0700

a seed; that’s all it takes. a doubt here, or a disappointment there; a little bit of a bump in the road and next thing you know all that hard work you put into bettering your world lies in ashes. i don’t want to be anxious; i don’t want to be depressed; i don’t enjoy feeling like i’m dead, dying or will be dead soon.

notes from uncle sonny's bank book

thefuzziesquirrel — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 18:40:05 -0700

it’s interesting just how much i enjoy talking with G Momma; i don’t think we’ve had a bad conversation since my graduation at PV. wow! just today, though, she really set me up for failure; not on purpose, of course, but she did. she asked if i was happy about getting married, to which i responded of course. of course, i am; i don’t just say that to say it, it’s true. i sincerely meant it when i said that getting married was, most likely, the best decision i’d ever made. wait for it, here comes the set up: she went on to say that was good and that it was good we did things together; my response was yes, we do and yes, it is good. she ellaborated the point a little more before the subject chabged, but the damage was done. when i got off the phone i quickly sent a text to Laura regarding some stuff and telling her she could go out with her brother tonight if she wanted. having previously said she only kinda wanted to but was tired, i honestly did not expect her to decide to go. stupid me. now i’m the bad guy because i “always ruin her going out and having fun by making (her) suffer the next day.” i’m sorry. when people hurt me, i respond. it hurts how ready, willing and able she always is to go out without me. i have a tough time thinking of when i’m invited out and don’t, in some way, try to either insist she comes with me or insist that i stay home. sh loves to try and compare it to me with my sister, but it’s nowhere near the same. my sister and i are incredibly close. my sister and i don’t even come close to seeing each other on a regular basis. my sister and i don’t “go out” without our spouses. but it doesn’t matter. i told God i’d be better so that He can let me move on; so i don’t have a choice. if she wants to see him more than she wants to have a nice evening with me, then those are the facts of my marriage. it’s up to me to find a way to move on with my life. my romantic dreams will never be realized. really, the only chance i ever stood at having a romantic relationship was during our engagement, when i was generally 2,000 plus miles away.they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder; i say that closeness makes the heart grow calloused.

I wonder

thefuzziesquirrel — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 23:07:43 -0700

sometimes i wonder which brings me more misery: my intelligence, my imagination, my hopes/desires, or my depression. i know one thing, i would be far less miserable if i could just fnd a way to reoncile me with reality; but I can’t. instead, i’m sitting here, miserable, because who i am is so at odds with the world i live in.

for weeks i’ve been battling the difficult task of finding...

thefuzziesquirrel — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 12:19:17 -0700

for weeks i’ve been battling the difficult task of finding a new home for my family. yes, my wife did all of the searching and narrowing down, but i was left with the task of decision maker. it tore my heart to pieces. my soul was besieged with doubt and uncertainty. i was a man with a weight that could not be lifted; not because God couldn’t but because He wouldnKt. i am a man; it’s time to start acting like it.

that's a good question

thefuzziesquirrel — Wed, 04 May 2011 15:48:30 -0700

how numb is too numb? things happen; life happens. it saddens you or makes you feel alone. i just watched the first episode of the third season of “Perfect Stranger’s”(i love Balki!) and after missing the hockey game they were supposed to go to Larry asked Balki if he was angry. he said no, just lonely. lonely and sad. lonely and sad and disappointed. lonely and sad and disappointed and maybe just a little angry. that’s what numb feels like to me; so many emotions circling the commode of my brain that it gets to a point where you just can’t feel anymore. like 1.5 beers on an empty stomach or a shot of whiskey starting to take effect. how sober is too sober? that’s easy; if i’m sober enough to realize how i really feel than that’s too sober for me. if only i wasn’t stuck watching the kids today maybe i could do as Modest Mouse said in their song “Polar Opposites”: i’m tryin, i’m tryin to drink away the part of the day that i cannot sleep away.

not surprised

thefuzziesquirrel — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 21:10:29 -0700

maybe i’m not supposed to plan, maybe i’m not supposed to expect anything to ever go as expected. another weekend practically wasted in loneliness. another segment of my life spent precisely in the one emotional state i fear and loathe most: loneliness. lonely is when i think of separating from life. lonely is when i start to drift away from reality into my abyss. lonely is where that other me really starts to edge his way in. lonely is what i imagine hell to be like. lonely is me. lonely is my life. lonely is where i’ve been stuck all day, and really, really wish that someone, anyone would come in and save me. please, come save me from my pit that is my own dark mind. save me from these horrible empty thoughts and downward spiraling soul. but i’m not surprised. after all, this is the life i was born to live, right?

a rhythm, a beat , a melody forcing its way to the surface. it...

thefuzziesquirrel — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 14:59:34 -0700

a rhythm, a beat , a melody forcing its way to the surface. it tears at my lungs as it seeks liberty; it rips my face open to escape faster than a mouth allows. fluttering through my center, it comes spewing through my fingers, igniting the page with the force, intent and desire that only comes when a soul demands action from it’s host. YOU WILL NOT GIVE UP! YOU WILL GO ON! YOU WILL BE ALL THAT YOU AIM TO BE! the world surges in my wake, attempting to engulf me on wave after wave of hardship, grief and misdirection. all my maps no longer match the landmarks that surround me, my sextant is broken and my compass needle can’t seem to make up it’s mind; but i press on. my story may be that of FAILURE . my story may be that of GIFT, TALENT and POTENTIAL WASTED on a man who never used them to their fullest. my story may even be that of a man plagued by DOUBTS, DEPRESSION and DESPAIR. but my story will NOT be of a man who QUITS. my story WIIL NOT be of a man who BACKS DOWN when confronted. my story WILL NOT BE that of a COWARD , CHARLATAN or CROOK. my story will be that of a man who’s WORD was his BOND. my story will be that of a man who STOOD RESOLUTE in his beliefs. my story will be that of a man who LOVED, LAUGHED and LIVED what he professed. I AM BUT A MAN, BUT I WILL BE A MAN.

a choice

thefuzziesquirrel — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 11:26:54 -0700

lately my wife and i have felt lost and confused. why does God seem to not care about us? why does He allow things to happen the way they do? why is it too much for us to want to be something other than struggling? i was telling Laura last night that it feels like God is giving me a choice: i get one thing on this planet that i love; and if that’s the case then i choose my family. but i truly do love medicine, and i desperately hope that God let’s me have it. please God, we just want to stop living hand to mouth; stuck in a world with no clue as to where to go or what to do next. please, God, have mercy on us.

i have no rights

thefuzziesquirrel — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 01:29:45 -0800

here’s where i sit. i have to keep working. i have to pretend that my heart being broken is forgiveable. i have to go and act like i actually believe that i stand a chance at being what i spent my whole life working toward. i gave up martial arts for acting not just cause i liked acting but because having a more diverse background would be more competitive for college. i took AP classes to improve my portfolio while shortening the time it would take to finish college. I went to summer school in college to further diversify my academic profile while graduating early. in med school I wrote my own periodical while starting a family and struggling through depression with the singular hope that it would be worth it to one day have the means to help people in need. when troubles came my way during 5th pathway in new york I kept my hopes up and knew, i just knew that in a few short months God would validate my decades of hard work with the one thing i most wanted for myself. but He didn’t. instead i was stranded working two jobs i despise that barely cover our monthly expenses, feeding my family on wellfare handouts and praying all day that this isn’t the life i end up with after all of this. but excuse me if i have little faith that a system that duped me, screwed me and dumped me might suddenly treat me like a human being. excuse me if i refrain from putting my heart into something that has stomped on it every step of the way. excuse me if i agree to do as i’m told but reserve the right to not believe it will ultimately matter. that’s right, I forgot, I have no rights.

mini legal pad #1

thefuzziesquirrel — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 23:21:46 -0800

* how will i ever make it through to the end of today? i open my eyes and things almost make sense. i pick out my clothes and i feel like maybe, just maybe, he won’t be around today; i sit on the toilet and proceed with my morning crap, and then he starts to whisper “did you hear her say such and such last night? can you believe …” next thing i know, i’m writing another poem of heartache and despair. i get in the shower, he’s now silent, smiling as he rests in the back of my head, knowing that the seed he planted will definitely grow. i drive off to work, having minimized my contact with the family; though i’ve no doubt this hurt them some i’m certain it’s better that way. i’d rather hurt some from silence than allow his tricks to spread to them. so as i drive i listen to the radio and feel my soul begin to fill with positive energy, slightly lifting my mind with it. i hear some words which feel to challenge me to be/do something i’ve never wanted to be, and proceed to gently argue with God about how i can’t handle these sort of things right now. i park at work, finish the radio program and get out of the car only to spy the licorice root i thought i might’ve dropped a while back weathered and crushed, lying on the ground; but this doesn’t even phase me. in fact, all was actually looking up as i sat and logged into my computer. then my little friends’ help arrived. now i’ve occasional traveled to/seen the future but i think he does it at will. it’s almost like he knew from the beginning of the day that all he had to do was plant the seed and the water would come. i over-heard the hope-filled tale of some young man who followed his wife to Martinique. he regaled the staff with stories of their adventure of Medical School in the Third World; and my heart sank. the bastard wins again. now i am just struggling not to lose before i finish the day at my first job, use some of the afternoon to regroup, then head off to job #2. but every time a kid walks through that door, i find myself treating them with even more contempt than the last kid. with every minute, i find my face feeling more and more contorted into a scowl of extreme dissatisfaction. with every breath, i feel him growing stronger and me growing weaker.

i almost cried.

thefuzziesquirrel — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 00:04:00 -0800

today i had to get my uncle to sign a DNR; i almost cried. sometimes i get scared and think that i’m actually not doing a good job giving him what he wants but tricking everyone into doing what i want. i mean, i wanted hime to sign the DNR. i wanted him to turn down the thoracocentesis. i wanted him to get the hospital bed. if i keep getting him to agree with me, how can i know i’m not just telling him what to do? i love my uncle. i know that i may not have spent all that much time with him in my life, but i have known him and he has indeed always been a part of my life. his voice and face are distinct in my mind. his presence was expected at every gathering, and it was not hard to tell if he were present. his son is my closest cousin. his “girlfriend” was usually the only white person there yet she somehow seemed to belong. we may even get tired of aunt sally’s slower processing speed, but she is one of us. i recall seeing tina tonight insist that aunt sally will have a place to sleep, and then gina chime in that when uncle finally dies they’ll help put the house back in order too. we may not always get along, but we are family. as i dropped larry off tonight, he said he noticed it too. he said it was horrible that it’s under such circumstances, but it’s nice that we are actually seeing each other again. all because my uncle is dying.

and so tonight i got to help him understand what a DNR means. that he’s entering hospice care, and they’ll make sure he’s comfortable and try and keep him home until the end; he’s just gotta agree to let them let him go if he starts to go. are you ok with that uncle? well, i don’t know, which one is the right one? whichever you want uncle. you just tell me and i’ll make sure you get what you want, i promise you. well, which one is right? look, uncle. it hurts me to say this but i got to make sure you understand. your’e dying, uncle- i know that- well i just gotta be clear. you’re dying, and these people specialize in people like you who are dying. they’ll help you stay comfortable, keep you hydrated and fed; they’ll even try and keep you in the house. you just gotta agree that if you start to go it’s ok to let you die. well which one should i choose? that’s up to you uncle. you gotta realize that they can’t stop this. your dying from cancer and they can’t stop it; it’s gonna keep growing until you’re dead. you can’t beat this. if you’re really tired and wanna stop fighting and just be comfortable and in your house, they can do that; if you wanna keep fighting then we’ll tell them to leave and we’ll find someone else. it’s not about what i want or don’t want. it’s what you want. well i wanna stay here. so you’re ok if you start to go with us letting you go, is that what you want? yeah.

and i went and got someone to witness it; and i insisted he could change it if he wants; and i made sure everyone knew he could still change it whenever he wants; and when i told them they wouldn’t be the first family to take a hospice patient to a hospital ‘cause they couldn’t stand to see they’re loved one die… today i had to get my uncle to sign a DNR; i almost cried.

bold as love

thefuzziesquirrel — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 20:17:48 -0800

Jimi Hendrix, for some reason, is the first thing i want when confronted with death in my life. i don’t know why, don’t know how; i just know it started with my grandmother, Franny. when Franny die i was in Texas living in a living room (no joke). i was so torn by her death and disappointed with myself for not seeing her the last time i was in town, or being there for my father as his only son to comfort him in this pain. i smoked two packs of french cigarettes that day alone. i sat in my car for hours blasting Jimi’s “red house” while crying. then i went in the bathroom, closed the door and cut off all my hair.

now my uncle is dying. in all honesty he’s been dying for 9 months, every since he first got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. but his recent hospitalization ha upped the ante, and now i find myself listening to Jimi over and over and over again. the strange thing is that as long as he’s playing i feel strong enough to be both honest and emotionally bare; something i rarely do. honesty comes easy for me; i just usually keep my emotions bottled up. when i am emotional/emotionally vulnerable i usually lie to everyone, even my wife, about how i am doing. so it is indeed interesting that Jimi + grief = kamarr honest and open. he makes it so i can say that i am bold as love. “my red is so confident he flashes trophies of war and ribbons of euphoria”- and man is he bragadocious, jumping on people’s spines at the first sight of weakness. “orange is young and full of daring but very unsteady for the first go round”- yet the failures never stop him from geting right back into the fray with his knees wobbling with inexperience. “my yellow in this case is not so mellow; in fact i’m tryin’ to say it’s frightened like me”- so he rarely shows his face, instead meekly peeking through the crack in the door; slowly studying the world for a sign that it’s safe to come out. but not just these emotions keep me from giving my life to a rainbow like you. my black is so passionate it invades every corner with its dour dreams. my pink is so proud that it blinds all nearby with its self-expressions. my brown lives downtown, insisting on always being where the action is. my white is so luminous it shames the sun with it’s expressions of affection. but i’m bold! i’m bold as love!

that is, whenever death comes by while i’m listening to Jimi. otherwise, i’m just a rainbow of grey so calculating it circumvents and redirects all imperatives to move; and maroon so deep and strong it never flinches in the face of hell. there’s khaki so militant and disciplined he never grants the others a moments res form the rules; and viridian so intense the air vibrates with silence for fear of disturbing its path. at those times i’m cold! cold as a stone.

but today i’m listening to a legend lay down licks that tickle my soul into excitement. my heart is filled with a sense of anticipation and purpose. my mind throbs with the pulse of a plan being born. and my body? my body just found a rainbow stone on the ground and it’s thinking of throwing it through that glass wall i keep hitting my nose against; let’s see what happens once it’s thrown.

oh, and there’ll be pictures now too.

thefuzziesquirrel — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 00:50:56 -0800

oh, and there’ll be pictures now too.

next phase

thefuzziesquirrel — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 00:49:13 -0800

while there are many more entries left in the original collection titled “the castration chronicles”, the work has taken a turn. while still being of the same vein as the original series i have found myself writing in two other logs about my thoughts of mental/spiritual/social castration. that, combined with revelations shared in the fuzzie squirrel, have led me to change the appearance here in response to the new turns this blog is about to take. though the spirit may seem to change, the theme is still the same: a collection of thoughts by a man in the process of being made into what he need be to complete his larger purpose.

entry #6

thefuzziesquirrel — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 10:00:07 -0800

when Daniel was taken into captivity, he prayed for freedom but God never sent him back to Jerusalem. when the king of Babylon said he would be a slave to the court he prayed for release but was never granted a life free from bondage. when Nebuchanezzer had Daniel and his friends’ balls cut off, Daniel cried out for mercy; yet he still died a eunuch. but Daniel was a great prophet of God. Daniel spoke and God listened. Daniel could read the handwriting of the finger of God. Daniel was saved in the lion’s den. Daniel’s friends were kept safe in the fiery furnace. if i must be castrated, i only hope that my witness is powerful enough to overshadow that. i’ve been struggling to find time to study for the STEP 3, and know that it’s something i really need to do. Daniel found a way to be the greatest student in the history of Babylon. i need to take notes from him.